What if your weight gain or weight loss has nothing to do with what you do eat, don’t eat, want to eat, can eat, can’t eat? Or, has everything to do with those things? But these reasons have nothing to do with intent or choice.

What if there are many reasons outside of the food and eating discussion that is impacting on your weight?

The weight loss and body weight dialogue is often painted in terms of morality and choice, and in a sense, an assumption of control.

A discussion that is often relegated to the sidelines are the many genuine reasons that is beyond our control or choice.

I feel the people I am talking about are often voiceless and powerless to articulate their difficulties in mainstream “weight loss” world as they either are shamed and or hushed being told they are just not trying hard enough or they are making excuses for their weight gains or losses.

I am here to advocate for those people for whom their weight gain and loss has little to do with intention, intelligence, capability or will power.

There are many illnesses that cause weight gain or weight loss and no amount of dieting or eating makes too much difference. Now that is not to say it makes no difference and sometimes those differences may be immense in terms of well being and nourishment but they may not reflect in actual body weight. There are also many medications that cause unwanted weight gain or unwanted weight loss, but not taking these medications causes other serious complications. Take for example antipsychotic medication prescribed for schizophrenia or serious depression. These drugs play a very important role in keeping people safe and sometimes are the difference between life and death, but they do cause a lot of weight gain that’s beyond that person’s control.

For many women approaching mid life who are suffering terrible discomfort, the only way to function may be to go onto HRT, however due to hormonal changes weight gain may be a consequence. There are injuries from minor strains and sprains to serious breaks or pain due to arthritis that can make exercise really challenging. There are illnesses like cancer where treatment can  leave  a person on medication that affects appetite and exercise options. Or they are so sick during treatment and pain they cannot eat or move. There are metabolic syndromes such as PCOS that make even the fittest and “health” conscious person struggle to manage their weight. There are thyroid problems and serious eating disorders, and the list goes on and on.

I would like to scream and shout from the rooftops to all the people who make moral assumptions about other people weight, to think carefully before making comments, in fact its best not to comment at all. To use the phrase “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” I would say “walk many miles in someone else’s mind and body” before assuming anything about them, their body, their weight, or their life. Best to keep all judgment reserved for things like TV shows or holiday destinations not other people life as you just never know what they are trying to cope with let alone the hurtful comments and assumptions other people are making about their weight.

Ginette (C)  2018

What you have to say is as important as what I have to offer. While I am knowledgeable in the field of weight management, my clients are the experts of their internal worlds. Rarely spoken about in weight loss programs are the individual’s feelings of loss frustration and despair that can accompany weight issues. 

Sometimes this presents as a palpable physical sense of loss that is accompanied by waves of shame and apologies for inhabiting a body that either you do not want to be in, or that society says that you should not be in. Clients have described this to me in terms of missing the body they once had from previous weight loss experiences, or longing for a body they have never had, but dream of having.

There are also the challenges of staying motivated when life gets in the way, during times of fatigue, illness, caring for young children or the elderly, financial strain, long working hours, medications, ambivalence, side effects of medications, and depression. These challenges are not excuses.They are a part of your life and need to be recognized as a part of your weight management program.

In the obesity and weight management industry, the message is mostly ‘If you want to lose weight, then just lose the weight’. Sounds so easy and simple! The solution is offered in neat packages such as diets and sometimes quite major lifestyle changes. These solutions are designed to be short lived. They set people up for failure due to the complexities of our physiological and evolutionary response to starvation and restriction.  Indeed, there is a multitude of causes and circumstances that can lead to weight gain and difficulties with weight loss. 

Simple formulas such as “Eat less, move more” don’t work for many of us. Yet, we are still lead to believe weight gain is solely due to the person’s own failure and their inability to stay on track. You’re told you have no will power. That you failed the diet, but not that the diet has failed you.

So why might counselling and psychological support help?

When you are trying to manage your weight you are especially vulnerable: vulnerable to purchasing dreams wrapped up in promise. Many weight loss programs equate weight loss with success, control, good health and desirability. When dieting, you become  hungry, which makes  you even more vulnerable, and you find yourself trapped in a cycle of desiring an outcome that seems to be fraught with complications.  You might not feel successful, in control, desirable or even healthy!

You will probably have found yourself in this position time and time again where you have short term weight loss followed by rapid weight regain.  By the time you find your way into my rooms you are possibly feeling low in self-esteem, frustrated and very despondent.

I create a place for people to be able to safely express their feelings and frustrations. With counselling and coaching you can firstly start to build self-acceptance. Science can hold hands with empathy and compassion for people who are struggling with managing their weight. This is the corner stone of my work.

I go on to assist people by using the most recent knowledge and science of weight management while acknowledging that each client has a unique story and sense of self.

People are so much more than just their weight.  They have personalities, experiences, feelings, relationships, and inner lives. I take into consideration your whole world, not just your weight. I offer support when you are struggling with motivation, disappointments, frustrations and disillusionment, as well as being there to witness the joys and happiness in your life. There will also be good things going on while you are managing your weight. Let’s not forget that. (C) 2017

I really feel for anyone caught in the middle of this ideological, physical and emotional conflict.

Lets say that for whatever reason you have decided you would like to lose some weight. And, you have decided this for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with image or vanity. Sure you may also feel you would like to fit in to your clothes a bit better which may make you feel a bit better about yourself and that is ok too. Perhaps you feel really uncomfortable in your body.  Perhaps your thighs are chaffing in the summer causing distress, perhaps you are having trouble moving the way you would like to move. There may be a million reasons why you feel you would like to lose weight or manage your weight.

If you could for a moment put aside your thoughts about how you look or how you feel you should look. Put aside trying to compete with Instagram images or award show nominees in the must have latest gowns. Put aside all the commentary you may hear from loved ones, friends, your medical specialist, your siblings about your weight. Putting aside all the ads urging you to lose weight, you still feel within yourself you would like to lose weight in order to feel comfortable and healthier.

One day you bravely, and I mean this with all sincerity as it is really brave to ask for help.  Now, with no malice or harm meant you are told to embrace your body, love the body you have that you ought to learn to live within that body, and that trying to change it is falling prey to an unreasonable societal expectations and you really shouldn’t try to change anything just love who you are. That it is wrong to focus on weight loss.

What do you do? Who do you trust? Now you feel wrong either way. You feel you don’t want to be the weight you are but that you are wrong for not just accepting it.

As a counsellor and coach working in the field of weight/ loss/management I feel torn. Of course I want my clients to feel good about them selves and love their bodies or at least accept their bodies.  But I also want them to feel it is totally their right to ask for help. Is it not possible to love ones self or feel good about ones self but still have the right to lose some weight if you feel you need to in order to prevent or help manage diabetes, sleep apnea, fertility, mobility? Or a myriad of other physical or mental concerns? 

I must be absolutely clear here, I am not saying that you are not worthwhile at the weight you are, I am not saying that losing weight validates you and shows you are successful or in control.

I just want my clients to feel they are entitled to, and deserve absolute compassion and respect to help manage their weight if that is what they want. If they decide to seek help, they deserve nothing but support and assistance. Not judgment based on an ideology.

Ginette (c)

As the weather starts to warm up, I brace myself for the endless advertisements urging people to get ready for a beach body, or to go on a spring clean detox. A detox that  I think is a bit of an insult to the mighty liver and kidneys that do it 24/7 all year round all by themselves without the aid an expensive tonic full of ingredients we may or may never have heard of. And, these amazing organs do it for free out of love for the body they live in.

However, I get why people try these diets, detoxes, and miracle foods. When you are struggling with obesity or excess weight you are extremely vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism, judgment and blame, and vulnerable because the pain of this harsh spoken or unspoken attitude in our society is so painful that we want to try anything that has a promise of hope attached to it.

The narrative around weight loss is so wound up in myths and false premises that it has become somewhat gospel. That is “eat less and move more”. Along with the narrative that it is all your fault. Well, I am shouting loudly it is not your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the problem. It simply is not that simple. Never was and never will be. Oh sure, maybe for a few weeks or a few months that will work but we know now that there are so many factors that are involved in managing weight that this approach is destined to fail. There are genetics, biology, your own relationship with food, possible trauma,illness, medications, injuries and many other reasons that are often out of our hands.

It never ceases to amaze me just how critical people are of others who have weight issues, and how supposedly well meaning comments such as “I just care about you” or, I was only trying to help” or “have you ever thought about eating grapefruits for every meal”? can sting and only reinforce a  sense of hopelessness. Because, for the most part the person has thought of nearly every single possible option available to them already. They have usually tried, diets, and shakes, and pills, and gyms and hypnotherapy and machines that shake you up and promise to slim you down.  They are also acutely aware they have some weight challenges so don’t really need it pointed out by a stranger on the street or even a loved one.

Thankfully we have extraordinary scientists who are delving into the complexity of weight management.

In my practice I combine the latest scientific research with emotional and behavioural  support in a safe space where people can feel they are not being judged or blamed for a weight loss trajectory that often doesn’t  meet  everyones  expectations.

The idea that counselling will unravel the “root cause” of ones core issues, or will unearth the  “underlying issue” somewhat troubles me.

As a practicing counsellor and psychotherapist of many years, I worry that this sentiment over simplifies the complex nature of being human.

These ideas run the risk of clients feeling frustrated, and more worryingly, feeling like they have failed at counselling if they did not get an outcome of finding the elusive root cause of all their worries and concerns. It raises the question of managing misguided expectations both of self, and of the counselling process. It is my observation we have a multitude of underlying reasons for our struggles, and to think we can get to the very bottom of this by identifying a singular root cause and all will be ok, may be over simplifying the process.

 We are  complex and multi layered beings, and come to counselling with rich and abundant layers of self.

The self that has developed not in isolation, but with relationships with families, friends, cultures, value systems, beliefs, our own unique personalities, frailties, strengths, traumas, genetics, life experiences and historical experiences, not to mention neurological and developmental considerations.

It is rare that a single revelation will change ones inner turmoil or struggles. A revelation could be amazing and meaningful and helpful but it is not necessarily the key to “forever” changes and inner peace. I am not saying it never is, just that it may not be, and that does not mean you are missing something or are in anyway failing the exploration of self and your struggles.

Sometimes counselling might involve one step forward and a few steps back one week, and the next week a few steps forward and no steps back.

Peeling back the layers and identifying and creating new strategies for challenges we have can be very helpful for a more peaceful life.

However, sometimes we just need to feel safe and to be heard without being judged, analyzed or fixed.

Ginette 2017 ©

My life as a saxophone player in a rock and roll band and what is has to do with my work as a counsellor and Psychotherapist.

It wasn’t long ago that I was  a saxophone player in a band. Playing in bands is something I have done my whole adult life. It is something that I absolutely love and am extremely passionate about and if I am not playing I love hearing others play.

I wanted to share this with you as there are many similarities between playing in a band and the work I do now as a counsellor/psychotherapist and coach. 

 You may wonder what on earth could they have in common and especially in the field of weight management.

The common thread is listening carefully.

When you are playing in a band you need to listen carefully. Listen to what the others are playing, allow space to hear what the others are playing, listen for nuances, subtleties, the tonality , the tempo, and  the overall sound. You have to be aware off when to stay silent and let the others lead, be respectful of each persons sound and ultimately  work as a collaborative team. 

When clients come to see me for help with managing their weight it is they that are the expert in their own lives. I am there to work collaboratively with them. It is my job to listen very carefully to what they are saying, what they are not saying, to listen carefully for  what makes sense to them. What is going on in their lives? What makes sense to them? Who are they? What feels safe and comfortable? What feels scary? It is not for me to tell them what to do or not do. What we can do is work together to find a way that makes sense for them. A way that  supports their individual needs, ie their personality, family life, culture, likes and dislikes, life stage and physical health.

Some musicians like to play  solo, some like to play with others  and some like to perform. Likewise people who are managing their weight may like to have a whole team around them such as a dietician, PT, a counsellor, a gym community, others might like to work alone. There is no right or wrong way. The only way is the way that is right for you.

One of my first jobs after leaving school was working in a bookshop. I look back on those days and it reminds me of how dangerous it is to make assumptions about people. I had a fertile imagination and I noticed within the five or ten minutes of an interaction with a customer I had made all sorts of assumptions. For example a lady may have put out her hand to pay.  Perhaps she was wearing a sparkly diamond on her prettily painted finger. From that brief and superficial interaction I had painted a picture of her entire life. I visualized what her husband or partner looked like, what type of car they drove, what the interior of their house looks like, the type of furniture they liked, the food they ate, how many children they had or were going to have, the type of pet dog they had, the sort of holidays they had. I had decided because she had a wedding ring on she felt loved, desirable and happy.

Now of course in reality I knew absolutely nothing about this lady. And it was of course silly of me to assume I knew anything at all about her. I sincerely hope she was happy and loved but it is possible she may have felt lonely or was abused.

When it comes to people living with obesity they are vulnerable to assumptions made by their loved ones, the professionals they see, the media, and even strangers on the street. Tragically these assumptions are not kept private. They are often articulated and leveled at the person. The assumptions made are endless.  They might be that the person eats too much, that they are lazy, that all they have to do is move a bit, that they have no self-control. They are told that their obesity is the cause of all their problems and the list goes on and on. These assumptions are usually, reckless, uneducated and factually incorrect. Even when they are made with best intentions they often are hurtful and wrong.

What do we really know about someone’s life and who they are if they haven’t told us?  If we do not put aside our own issues, judgments and assumptions we miss out on being able to really help our client and be there for them.

It is not for us to judge or assume anything. We have no idea if someone has suffered trauma, sexual assault, extreme abuse, childhood illness, immense loss and grief, or an illness that contributes to obesity. We don’t know about the family interactions, the thinking styles of the person, we no nothing of their internal world no matter what we see superficially by their appearance.

It is our role to keep our clients safe, hear their story, suspend all judgment and then we can work together to see how we can make things feel better for them. 

Just like my customers with the pretty painted nails and sparkly diamonds. I wouldn’t have had a clue about her life.

When working with people struggling with their weight it is essential I begin by assuming absolutely nothing about them and  learn from them how I can best help them.

Self-compassion seems a bit like a buzzword these days. And buzzwords at times can feel a bit meaningless if they don’t feel appropriate or relevant. It is as if they are inserted into conversations a bit randomly.

I’ve been reflecting on the practice of self-compassion in the context of weight management, and I think it could be very useful for our internal dialogue around our weight management challenges.  That is, if we can avoid berating ourselves if we don’t always do it. I say this quite seriously as like anything, if this is a foreign concept and unfamiliar, it may be hard to start practicing it.

A majority of weight loss conversations are shrouded in negativity, restrictive and emotional language that is laced with self-deprecation. Headlines with titles such as “ten things you should not eat”. “Things not to do if you want to lose weight”, “Guilt free snacks”, etc. On top of that people often feel they are just not trying hard enough. They tell themselves they eat too much, don’t exercise enough and worse, other people tell them the same thing. They start to believe it must be true.

The inner dialogue people have is often extremely harsh when they embark on a weight management program. It is laden with self-talk that is highly critical.  “All or nothing thinking” plays a big role in how these thoughts manifest.  For example if someone eats an ice cream after dinner their inner voice will tell them very sternly that they have failed, that they are hopeless, that they have no self control and all sorts of other mean accusations are leveled at themselves. When you are in the habit of “all or nothing”  thinking, your inner bully tells you that once you have eaten an ice cream you have blown it all, you have no self control, that you may as well eat twelve ice creams and start again next week.

This is where practicing self-compassion can help.  It might be worth having a little conversation with that inner voice. Asking it to go kindly, go gently; ask it not to be such a bully. Suggest to that mean inner voice to stop its running commentary on what you did or didn’t eat.  Suggest it starts to give you permission to eat an ice cream sometimes and enjoy it, ask it not call you rude names and tell you are a failure. Ask that inner voice to acknowledge you are a human being with all frailties, foibles, inconsistencies and vulnerabilities doing your very best in a challenging situation, and being mean just makes it all that much harder. Ask it to say something like “Hey, hope you enjoyed your ice cream, you haven’t done anything wrong at all”. It may feel clumsy or insincere in the beginning, which is totally normal and understandable, but little by little some self compassion can remove some of the pressure you may be feeling around your weight management challenges.

Books that are written by people who have had successful weight loss often frustrate me. They frustrate me because the books often get promoted and sold to billions of vulnerable people with weight issues with the implications that the author “knows” or has found the holy grail, the solution, or the “way” to successful weight loss. And, if they are a well-known celebrity I get even more frustrated. Firstly because they immediately have access to an enormous readership which could be wonderful, if their stories also showed the extraordinary complexities of weight loss and what causes weight related problems in the first place. Also, because if they are famous they may not have financial issues or time issues that so many people struggle with that can impact on managing weight. They are more likely to be  able to afford access to good nutritional advice, healthy food, a personal trainer and endorsements that the everyday person simply might not be able to afford.

 Many of the stories are often brave, insightful, knowledgeable, inspiring and I commend them sharing their own personal story just not under the guise of a “how to lose weight “book.

 We know that weight loss is not so easy for millions of people especially long-term maintenance.  The science and research in this area is demonstrating that people living with obesity have an enormous amount of complicated hormonal, genetic, biological and metabolic factors that contribute to their obesity. Then, lets look at other factors such as cultural and emotional eating behaviors. Life stage, gender, family dynamics are among the many other factors that play a role in long term weight management. The day-to-day challenges of navigating eating can be really hard for many people.

Telling them to stop eating sugar or to quit booze solves none of these things. Sure go ahead and do these things and there will be positive health benefits for sure, and maybe some weight loss too.  

But it is just a part of a bigger picture.

Perhaps waiting for five years before proclaiming “success” and exploring what the years of maintenance looks and feel like might be more relatable to. How did managing all life’s challenges like love, loss, long working hours, illness, pain and inter personal relationships affect weight management?  How would they navigate the extraordinary difficulty that some people have, where a drive to eat is accompanied by a constant hunger? Often people who don’t have that drive do not understand how consuming that feeling might be.

 What we do eat or drink or don’t eat or drink is only part of the picture.

Just because you did something doesn’t mean everyone can do it and it certainly doesn’t make you an expert on anyone except yourself.

 Because, when we say:  “If I can do it anyone can”  it runs the risk of shaming people and making them feel inadequate if they genuinely “can’t”!!!!

I have been a counsellor/ psychotherapist and coach specialising in the field of weight management for many years. Sometimes clients come to see me about weight loss, sometimes it is about weight gain and sometimes it is about long-term weight maintenance.

Sometimes weight issues brought them for their initial appointment but bubbling underneath the surface there might be relationship stress, depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, trauma,  a history of sexual abuse, mental health problems, metabolic concerns, illnesses such as diabetes, PCOS, fertility problems among a myriad of other reasons.

I am not saying for a minute that weight was the only cause of any of these things or that weight loss will fix any of these things. However sometimes weight loss is something that for what ever reason the client will want or need.

 Maybe their doctor has suggested weight loss, maybe they have PCOS and a small amount of weight loss will help them feel better. Sometimes it may assist with fertility. Sometimes they just may feel a bit more comfortable in their bodies. Their reasons are personal and must be respected.

In the past few years it has come to my attention that the word weight and in particular weight loss and any thing associated with it has become part of an ideological battlefield. There is a growing movement that has huge traction who claim that “weight loss” should never be discussed or encouraged. They say it is possible to be healthy at every size.  I do not dispute that it is possible to be healthy at every size.

 Nor do not think weigh of any size is the only indicator of health.

I also acknowledge that weight loss and diets can be triggers for eating disorders and we must be very careful to prevent and protect against disordered eating.

However just telling people to stop thinking about their weight and that weight loss is wrong and that the size they are is just fine can be dismissive and dangerous emotionally and physically. That message is fine but they may need ongoing support from suitably qualified people to do this not just from people with a militant philosophy.

From my perspective people who are obese or very overweight are often vulnerable.  They are caught in the middle of two fierce and rigid ideologies. One is the commercial world of weight loss fuelled with the message that if you lose weight you will be happy and blames the individual for their weight. They then ruthlessly sell potions, lotions, miracle cures, gym memberships and a bullying like attitude that  says all they  need to do is eat less and move more and that  they just need to try harder.

The other says they shouldn’t buy into any of that and to accept the weight they are and focus on other healthy behaviours.  This is a sound and reasonable message. Except, that they refuse to engage with practitioners like me who think that it is ok to focus on healthy behaviours and of course it is wonderful to feel good whatever size we are but it is also ok to want to manage your weight.

People are complex, their stories are complex, their inner dialogue, their inner world, their self talk, family or origin, culture , physical needs, medical needs  all differ and a simple slogan or message fails to  address the extraordinarily complex  beings we are.

Instead of being divisive why are we not able to be supportive of our clients.

I have seen people nearly die from weight related issues and I am not being dramatic here. If I told them to just refuse to engage with weight loss and accept the weight they are they would not be here.

I am anti diet, I am not into restrictive eating behaviours, I believe in encouraging the joys of eating, I believe in healthy body image but I also want to be able to help people manage their weight from a compassionate caring and ultimately respectful way if that is what they need.